LOOKING BACK: 2010

Where to begin?

2009 was an incredibly difficult year for me. I was slowly getting readjusted to being home from GeoJourney and living in "normal" society again. It sounds really silly, because GJ was only 3 months long, but it completely changed my life. I saw the world in a new light. It was glowing. GJ opened my eyes to so many indescribable feelings; especially the new-found confidence to become who I wanted to be. But with so many doors and windows opening all around me, I was bound to leave some behind. Discovering my love of Anthropology lead me away from the people I had grown to love with all my heart; my Bowling Green friends. My Bowling Green family.

I remember staying at Corinn's house with her family my last week in Ohio. I don't really remember saying good-bye to my friends. It felt like it wasn't really goodbye. I'm glad it went they way it did. I think about you guys every single day. I still feel like a BG girl. It's been a year and I still feel like I'm going to graduate from BGSU.

I was accepted into the University of South Carolina as an Anthropology student in the Fall semester of 2009. My heart was soaring. I was unbelievably excited to start another new path so shortly after the conclusion of GJ. I felt brave. I felt in control of my life. Ready to take on whatever came in my path. The campus was beautiful. The University was renowned. I felt like I was at the beginning of another life-changing inner movement.

My close friends and family know what happened when I moved to South Carolina. I don't think I have ever really spoken about it out loud to many people.

I think I was so excited to start a new life that I filled my mind with too many false-pretenses. I imagined making friends right off the bat. I imagined walking around campus with a feeling of self-worth and accomplishment. I imagined living my life to it's maximum potential.
Things didn't go to plan.

I reached a new low. I was absolutely miserable. I couldn't understand how people could be so uncaring. I would walk around campus, looking at passing people, and hoping to receive a pair of caring eyes, or even a smile. It never happened. Just coming back from GJ, I couldn't understand why people were so obsessed with money and material items. I felt like I was constantly surrounded by racism, sexism, and homophobia. It tore me down. I became the person who walks while looking at their feet because they couldn't stand another second of being passed by unnoticed.

To top it all off, I was having one of the worst family conflicts of my life. The pressure caused from my Dad on top of the already overbearing sensation of loneliness and depression threw me over the edge. I was lost. I actually reverted to seeing a psychologist. I remember how nervous I was walking to my first appointment and sitting in the waiting room. I couldn't believe that my life had gotten to this point. I was embarrassed.

The worst part of it all: I knew the reasons why I was depressed. I knew how to avoid them. I knew how stupid they were and I knew what caused them. I can't think of a more pathetic feeling. Trina, my shrink, was my savior. I relished each week when we would meet and she would sit and listen while I unraveled my problems. She kept telling me that I was normal; that I was smart and aware of my problems; but the fact that I couldn't solve them made it even harder on me.

But there is always a light in a time of darkness, even if it's barely there. One of the biggest reasons I decided to transfer to USC was because of their study abroad program. In the midst of my first semester of USC, I was also going through the relentless stress of applying to study abroad in New Zealand. I wanted to be excited to go, but the stress was eating any glimpses of hope I had. Deep down, I was terrified that I would go to this new country and have the exact same thing happen all over again. That's one of the biggest reasons I went to see Trina. I wanted to be sure that this would never happen again.

Another source of light during my first semester at USC was the Flaming Lips. I know this sounds completely ridiculous. I realize I sound like one of those sappy thirteen year old girls who love Justin Bieber. It's hard to explain how the Flaming Lips got me through that semester. I remember the first time I ever heard them. It was in September. I even wrote the day down as "The First Time I Heard the Flaming Lips" on a piece of paper somewhere because I knew it was going to be something big. Of course, I lost it. But I know it was mid-September.

I was walking back from one of my Archaeology classes with my headphones on. I had my iPod on random. "Do You Realize" came up. I had always heard this song before. But I usually tuned out after the famous first line: "Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?". This is when it gets really corny, but I remember this event like it was yesterday. I was walking right past the corner of the BA building, looking at the ground, feeling pathetic like usual. The weather was warm and sunny, there was a light breeze. I swear to Tom Hanks that the second the song came on this huge, electric breeze swarmed through campus and hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like Jesus was fucking singing directly to me through my headphones. "Do You Realize" turned a light bulb on inside of me. It put my life in perspective. It lifted me out of my slump. You know, it's really amazing that music can do something like that.

So obviously, because I am naturally obsessive, I walked the rest of the way home with "Do You Realize" on repeat. I got on my computer and googled and youtubed everything I could find on The Flaming Lips. They have been my favorite band ever since.

It's something about their absolutely ridiculous songs about pink robots and horny frogs. It's the fact that they can sing a song about an Asian chick fighting robots and make it speak real messages of love and compassion. All their songs are like that. There is always an underlying message of the power of love between humans. It's so moving. And A.D.D, it isn't sappy or whiny. It doesn't focus directly on heartbreak or loneliness. It's happy and upbeat, its psychedelic and funky. But its always about love.

I guess sometimes, when you need it more than ever, something will present itself to you for the taking. I know it sounds silly, but the Flaming Lips really took my mind off my depression and loneliness during that time. Now, I realize that if I would of actually gone out of my room and made friends instead of mindlessly singing along to Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots I probably would of been fine. But I much prefer this. This band is going to be a part of my life for a really long time.

Flash forward. New Years Eve 2009. I am in Oklahoma City with my mom and brother. Why you ask? Because my mom is fucking superwoman and drove 8 hours to see the Flaming Lips New Years Eve Freakout with me. My first Flaming Lips concert was right on the eve of a brand new year. Isn't that beautiful? It was the best concert I had ever been to. I was so touched by the environment of people around me; especially the giant teddy bear on acid sitting in the row in front of me. The music was captivating. I was so overwhelmed with happiness to be in a room full of that many Flaming Lips fans.

When the new year rang in at midnight, I shared it with thousands of people, showered in balloons (the world's biggest balloon drop, FYI) , confetti, and music. 2010 was the beginning of something wonderful.

In February I departed for New Zealand. I was to study at the University of Waikato in Hamilton. I didn't know a single person. I didn't care. I was more than happy to get away from USC for a semester. I envisioned New Zealand as the perfect place to go; mountains, lakes, glaciers, oceans. Like GJ on crack.

I was right. New Zealand was perfect. I met amazing people. I was shown completely selfless hospitality from countless people. I made fantastic friends. I caught myself a real-life Kiwi love interest. I lived with some of the craziest eighteen year olds on the planet.

I slept on the beach the morning of a Tsunami. I went to toga-parties and Beer Fest. I tried surfing. I drank alcohol legally. I white-water rafted over a waterfall. I went spelunking and tubing in a cave where glowworms lit the ceiling like stars. I ate fish n' chips and meat pies for the first time. I saw waterfalls. I went to hot water beaches at midnight where the sky was so clear I could see the milky way reflecting in the sand. I climbed a mountain at night. I spent a month living out of a spray painted van, touring the entire south island, camping on the beach, and meeting people from all over the world. I skydived. I bungy jumped. I got chased by sea lions...again. I went sea-kayaking. I went backpacking for 4 days in the rain forest. I saw my first roller-derby bout. I went to Australia by myself for the weekend.

Honestly, if I were to go into detail about all the experiences I encountered in New Zealand...it would take months. To sum it up, I realized that life is too short to put anything on hold. If you want something, you get it. Yeah I'm in massive amount of debt, but I'm happy. I realized that I could happily live out of a van for the rest of my life. I realized and understood what it takes to make me truly happy.

New Zealand recharged my batteries. My depression flew out the window. It was exactly what I needed. I needed that time to allow myself to get a grip on my life and gain the confidence to take on my final year at USC. I realized that sometimes, you can't always get what you want. But a good attitude can make a world of a difference. I was hesitant to head back home, but positive. I like to categorize my life by the challenges I take on. My first challenge was GeoJourney. My second was New Zealand. My third was getting through USC happily. Sometimes, the challenges you set for yourself are just to make it by. And let me tell you, I made it by.

I came back to South Carolina with a breath of fresh air. I finally appreciated the friends I had in 2009. I went out. I made new friends. I learned to love beer. I went back on air at WUSC. I joined FMLA and made some of the most kick-ass feminist friends on the planet. I enjoyed my classes. And, best of all, I joined Columbia QuadSquad, the local roller derby team.

Roller derby is my soul sport. I look forward to Sundays, Wednesdays, (and now) Mondays more than any other day of the week. I love learning new things. I love improving. I love hanging out with those incredible women. I look forward to getting bruises. I love being so sore it hurts to sneeze. I literally get emotional at bouts because I love it so much. If the count of the word "love" in the paragraph is any constellation of how much I love roller derby....I think you get the idea.

Life is just so good right now. So good.

I learned a lot about myself in 2010. I learned that sometimes the hardest things to overcome don't involve climbing mountains or going through customs, but simply settling down to achieve a painfully normal task. And sometimes the challenges that seem the least intimidating are the hardest, and most rewarding.

It is one thing to climb Mt. St. Helens, it's another thing entirely to put mountains behind you and find happiness in a place without them.

And to wrap it all up into a nice little circle of life, in 20 or so days I'm going to see the Flaming Lips again for New Years Eve in Oklahoma City. I can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for me!